7.13.18 | First time holding Wallace after surgery. Almost 8 hours after actually giving birth. A very different and difficult part of a caesarean and NICU birth story. . I did feel a disconnect with him at first and what I had just experienced. It felt weird that nurses and such were telling me I did a good job. I didn’t do anything. I just laid on a table letting the team do everything. I didn’t have an active role in his birth. . Having two “I am woman, hear me roar” labor and delivery stories with my other children, this one made me feel like a fraud for “what I did.” . But the worst was reeling from knowing I should be bonding with my baby, but the reality was that I was just as much a patient as he was. That I was laying on a bed in an entirely other unit without functioning legs. . That’s what made this moment so needed. So important. I needed him as much as he needed me. This was the true first step in healing.